Living with Uncertainty

I am living with uncertainty. Doctors are currently debating whether my bladder cancer is cleared up or still present. Is my adventure behind me or just beginning? All sorts of things flit through my mind. At the deepest level, I rest in the fact that God has been faithful, is faithful, and will always be faithful.

There is some anxiety, though, as I contemplate the possibility of extensive surgery, long and unpleasant recovery, and even the chance of ultimately unsuccessful surgery. But always my mind comes back to the trustworthiness of my Lord.

A friend of mine, Ray Anderson from Fuller Seminary in California, began each day by remembering Psalm 118:24, “This is the day that the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.” For Ray that verse represented not just an encouragement but a commitment. Each day was the Lord’s day for him and he was committed to rejoicing in whatever the day brought for him.

He died on Fathers’ Day a couple of years ago, having lived a long, full life of faith and love, study and teaching. His legacy lives on in the lives of the many hundreds of people whose faith become stronger, clearer, more realistic because of his work. My own faith is part of his legacy.

Now I find myself wondering if I am at the beginning of the end. And wondering how people face such things if they have no sense of the faithfulness and steadfast love of God.

These are not new thoughts for me, of course. Occasionally glancing through the obituaries, I have been noticing that an ever-increasing portion of those who die are younger than I. That gives a guy food for thought!

Another thought that is also very real for me is that this may be a very expensive process. The doctor’s keep saying, “The insurance will cover most of it,” but they can’t seem to grasp that the remaining 20% of, say, $50,000 is still a huge chunk of money. I would hate to leave Char destitute just so I could have a few more months of painful living.

I wouldn’t mind the cost so much if I weren’t so appalled at the absolutely indefensible expense of American medicine. It is one of the great examples of unethical business in our country. The thought of Char suffering financial hardship while others make a great deal of money off my disease is very offensive to me.

But in the end I entrust our finances to the Lord, as well as all others dimensions of our lives. He has been faithful, is faithful, and will always be faithful. Thank you, Lord, whatever comes.

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About mthayes42

I am a retired pastor, interested in the Bible, cross-cultural ministries, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and the current and past history of western civilization.
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